A Poem from 39 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

The end is near
When will it come?
I want to know
When this is done
The endless nights
And plodding days
I feel I'm lost
Inside a maze
I want to eat
To live again
So do please tell me
When this will end.

Another Poem from 25 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I want

I want to get up
To get dressed
To eat my breakfast
In one sitting

To go upstairs
And clean my teeth
To go outside
Walk down the street

To do the shopping
Clean the house
Make my own lunch
For myself

I want to plant things
In the garden
Take my daughter
To the park

I do not want
To lie here watching
While my life
Is passing by

It isn't much
That I am asking
I just want
To live again

A Poem from 25 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Awake alone again
Nausea never ending
Through the blackness
Of eternal night
I long to see the dawn
To cast away these shadows
To live and breathe again
And see the morning light

A Poem from 24 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

A dark fog swirls around my bed
As I lie in it made of lead
If through this fog I can survive
One day again I'll be alive
But now I lie here oh so still
And dream of when I was not ill
The world is there just out of sight
Oh when did I last see its light?
And as the world continually
Moves on does it remember me?
While with this fog I still contend
I cannot seem to see the end
When I will join the world once more
Tho' not quite as I was before.

We Survived

I was just popping some poems on here that I wrote on my iPod while I was ill and I realised that I've never actually announced that the last pregnancy finished successfully.  I intended to maintain an ongoing diary while I was ill but it was just too much to manage and fell by the wayside while I just tried to survive but I have a few half written drafts and I want to try and write up what I can remember when I can.  Anyway, here is a picture of my little girl who was born at home on 25th July 2012 weighing 9lb3oz:

A Poem from 22 weeks with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Now I have found myself caught up
Inside that cage of fog again
A prison sentence I must serve
Eight months tied down by HG chains
Through endless days inside this fog
I try to eat and drink enough
I wonder if it's in my mind
Am I just weak to find it tough?
The seasons still go flashing by
While here in bed my life stands still
Four months to go - eternity!
Until I am no longer ill

14 Weeks Pregnant - A Day In My Life

0200: Wake to alarm, reach out for middle of the night milk and drink it. Go back to sleep. (I can't get through the night with nothing or at least having nothing overnight makes the sickness/ nausea worse and I figure having something in the middle of the night helps me get more calories.)
0530: Wake up feeling very thirsty. Drink three mouthfuls of water, feel sick due to drinking so much water and stay awake for the rest of the night.
0700: J's alarm goes off, take medicines.
0715: Take supplements with a glass of milk (brought to me in bed by J).
0725: Eat first half of breakfast in bed. (Half a weetabix with raisins and milk.) Browse Facebook in bed on iPod.
0745: Eat second half of breakfast then lie down hoping not to be sick.
Pray for a few friends, cuddle A who has just woken up and come through then send her to get dressed. Pray a bit more. Turn down offer of more breakfast.
0840: Wake up with a half dead arm. Open and close fist a few times to regain feeling.
0850: Clean teeth in bed, drink a mouthful of water and lie down again. Regret drinking water due to now feeling uncomfortably full and more nauseous.
0910: Consider running to the bathroom to be sick and narrowly escape needing to. Contemplate whether eating would improve nausea or trigger vomiting and conclude it would be the latter.
0930: Call A (who has just cleaned her teeth) through for a cuddle and a chat. Get A to "write" letters on my back for five minutes (inspired by the "40 ways to entertain your kids while lying down" link I found through Island of Grief, Mountain of Joy) while J is busy then give J some suggestions for today's educational activities.
0945: Listen to J and A discuss birds whilst still feeling too close to vomiting to move. Ponder whether eating more and vomiting might be more pleasant than continuing nausea on the brink of vomiting but conclude even the thought of eating is too unpleasant. Wonder whether getting up yesterday and sitting in an armchair was a mistake.
1000: Read Facebook for five minutes and take homeopathic remedies. Ponder whether I can walk to the toilet without triggering vomiting. Decide I can. Almost vomit in nappy bucket. Grab hair bobble off cistern and tie hair back to avoid vomiting on hair. Almost vomit in toilet. Ponder whether I should have eaten more as a fuller stomach makes for easier and less unpleasant vomiting. On vomiting discover stomach was almost empty. Rinse mouth and gargle with water. Decide not to use mouthwash in case it triggers further vomiting. Worry about teeth being wrecked. Return to bed and ponder whether a snack would be a good/bad idea.
1030: Have mouthful of water and ask J for a cheese scone. Realise there was no blood in the vomit and feel relieved. Listen to 2 Peter on iPod. Feel thankful for iPod. Resolve to be more patient. Drink two mouthfuls of water. Pray.
1100: Hear J cooking and feel sick at the remembrance of Sunday's pea risotto. Daydream about being able to select food without consideration of taste on the way back up and being able to eat an entire meal. Try to remember what that feels like. Decide to go on Facebook/other forums as a distraction from the nausea.
1130: A comes upstairs and gives me a present "to help me feel better".
1145: Eat first stage of dinner in bed (rainbow trout, mushrooms, tomato, broccoli & mashed potato) then chat on Facebook.
1220: Take some supplements and eat part two of dinner.
1240: Ponder how much water I can safely drink and have two mouthfuls in a vain attempt to improve dehydration headache. Chat briefly on Facebook before resting in preparation for trip to library.
1345: Ask J to get my clothes out. Get dressed, take medicine and drink additional two mouthfuls of water. Feel thankful for the ability to dress myself. Look at self in mirror on way out in the hope that I might look pregnant but find I still look thin. Hope thinness is due to my lack of fat and not a sign of SGA baby (Isabella was SGA). Go to car to be driven the 300 metres to the library with A.
1400: Sit in armchair in library for one hour of singing and story time. This week I managed most of the actions although it made my arms ache. (Singing is out of the question - I just don't have the energy/breath.)
1500: Picked up and taken home in car by John. Have small snack and lie down to recover as the activeness of the last hour has put me on the brink of vomiting. (Thankfully I did not need the tubs I took with me to the library.)
1600: Feel almost normal. Chat on Facebook and read the odd online news article.
1700: Eat half a ham sandwich.
1725: Take some supplements and eat other half of sandwich. Feel uncomfortably full and slightly nauseous but not at risk of vomiting.
1800: Eat rhubarb yoghurt.
1820: Sit up to play a couple of rounds of "Guess Who?" with A and have goodnight chat/cuddle. Notice A feels warm so ask J to get the thermometer to check. She announces she will have to sit with me and watch the Mr Benn DVD all day tomorrow due to her temperature.
1840: Feel worse from sitting up so lie down to recover. Reflect on the probability of being sick later.
1900: Pray.
1915: Feel thirsty - risk drinking three mouthfuls of water at once.
1930: Start watching a DVD with J. Feel glad that the planning/preparation I did for being ill means we actually get to spend time together. Regret drinking so much water.
2000: Eat 1/4 serving of M&S apple cake given to us by friends. (J must think he should share it equally as he has been eating equally tiny portions of it.)
2030: Feel too worn out to sit up any longer so ask J to stop DVD. Lie down and catch up with messages and Facebook. Feel very thankful for Facebook and friends on Facebook - that and internet access through the iPod really help me to feel less isolated/bored/lonely when ill and limited in what I can do. I am blessed with some wonderful friends.
2045: J gets fresh pyjamas out and I realise with dismay that thanks to going out I am dressed and need to change for bed. Get changed. Clean teeth in bed. Take homeopathic remedies. Realise I forgot to take them this afternoon. Take final antiemetic of the day with three mouthfuls of ice cold water. Appreciate the ability to drink water and think about how useful it is.
2105: Reflect upon how my character could be improved and resolve to make more effort to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.
2115: Listen to J read a chapter of The Horse and His Boy.
2130: Turn light off, pray, note nausea has increased and hope tiredness will outweigh it. Eventually sleep.

Food intake ~1500Cal (about average). Fluid intake ~1.2l (below average).
Overall day in-between average and good relative to the last week.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Pregnancy Three - Twelve Weeks

Today while J and A were out I went downstairs and cut, buttered and ate a slice of (homemade!) bread. Okay the bread was out on the worktop unbagged because it was fresh and I left the dirty knife on the worktop so it wasn't as much work as it should have been but still, I did it myself

This is exciting for two reasons: 1. In previous pregnancies I couldn't eat HM bread and 2. I would never have gone to such extreme lengths to get food for myself.

Although still limited relative to normal, there are a number of significant things I can eat this pregnancy but couldn't in the others. In addition to the HM bread (I only had a short phase of being unable to eat it) I can drink water and I can eat sweet things. In previous pregnancies just the mention of many sweet things made me feel like I might throw up so it is very nice not to have that. Also it is rather useful to be able to drink water (in my first pregnancy I was worried I'd never be able to drink it again) and I'm sure the ability to drink water has been a big factor in my staying out of hospital this time.

I actually feel well enough to possibly start "getting up" routinely now (ie spending my days in an armchair downstairs instead of in bed upstairs) but as I have my "booking" appointment with the MW on Tuesday I think I should save my energy for that and start getting up once I have recovered from it.

Fog

Engulfed by fog again
The fog I know so well
It sucks away my life
As I try to find my way
I cannot see ahead
To where this path will lead
Yet what I fear the most
Is that this fog might leave

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Pregnancy 3 - The First Trimester

Not long after my last post my nausea disappeared completely. I stopped everything I was doing to minimise/avoid/control nausea/vomiting and the nausea did not return even though I was continuing with my normal everyday life so I assumed the worst.

About a week later (5 1/2 weeks) I came down with the flu and ended up in bed and throwing up right about when I had in my previous HG pregnancies. After a week all my flu symptoms had gone except the vomiting. Initially I thought it was just in my head because of associating pregnancy with being sick but when it started to get worse after almost another week I realised it had to be pregnancy sickness and resumed taking all the medicines/supplements.

Once I started taking everything again I improved a bit and settled into a pattern where maybe once a week I kept all meals down and the rest of the time it was 50/50 whether I kept down one or two. In the first 2 1/2 weeks of sickness I lost 5lbs followed by 1lb in the following week after which my weight stabilised. After Christmas I had a few better days without being sick before getting worse again (nausea almost as bad as the worst bit but actual vomiting less). Now at 11 weeks it seems to have settled down to an average of once a day but ranging from zero to three.

Summarised like that it doesn't really sound that bad. Indeed it's been my best pregnancy so far and having not ended up in hospital due to out of control vomiting I did wonder whether it was legitimate to call it an HG pregnancy. But thinking about it, I'd say it is an HG pregnancy - it is just controlled this time. Although I don't have the out of control vomiting or excessive weight loss, it's not really normal morning sickness when you have had to stay in bed pretty much doing nothing (in addition to all the medicine) in order to achieve that.

I'm convinced that the early disappearance of nausea and how much better this pregnancy is (eg I can drink water, dress and bath myself and stayed out of hospital) are down to the different medication. I am also hopeful that this means I will improve enough to be able to resume some of my normal life during my pregnancy. Which not only would be quite nice as sitting/lying about while your life passes by isn't much fun but would make life easier for J as he wouldn't be having to do everything I usually do AND look after me AND do his normal job.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Pregnancy Three? Four Weeks

I am currently four weeks pregnant.  I am feeling worse than the shorter pregnancies but better than the previous hyperemesis pregnancies so I am hopeful that a) the pregnancy will last long enough and b) I will not be as ill as I was last time.

So far the times I have felt the worst have been when J was over an hour late making breakfast on Saturday morning and when I walked about 100 metres from the car to church on Sunday morning.  I find standing makes me feel much worse so I did not stand for the singing at church and abandoned attempting to sing half way through the first song.  After the service, J went and drove the car up to the chapel to pick me.  If I wanted to I could actually do all those things but I can tell how much worse they make me feel and knowing that it has a cumulative effect I know it is not worth it in the long run to make myself do things that make me worse just because at this stage I'm not actually being sick.  Next week we will only go to one service as it was definitely a mistake to go to two.

Aside from the usual pregnancy multivitamin, I am taking B vitamins, homeopathic remedies, an anti emetic and other supplements such as ginger capsules.  I am wearing sea bands and to make sure I eat/drink frequently enough I have three meals, three snacks and twelve drinks per day scheduled (along with all the things I'm taking) on my iPod.  J gets up at seven and gives me drinks and breakfast in bed before he goes to work and I get up at 8.30 when he goes out.  I have a two hour rest in bed in the afternoon while A has quiet time and aim to be in bed around nine in the evening.  I made and froze lots of dinners before I was pregnant so J gets one out and puts it in a bowl in the fridge the evening before so that I can just pop it in the microwave when he is due home.

So far the plans/preparations/reorgaqnisation I have done mean that although J has taken over some of the things I usually do his workload is not dramatically increased and he still has time to spend with me.  And although I am not able to take her out, A can play in the garden and I am still able to do all the usual "school" type things with her.

So far so good.  I am really hopeful that by taking pre-emptive medication and doing everything possible that might help pre-emptively rather than reactively I will be less ill.